I was in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes I need to just say that out loud and let it hang in the air for a little bit. Those words are so strange coming out of my mouth. Even sitting here getting ready to type out my story I keep stopping and staring off and thinking back to what it was like to be in that space, that life. Then I try to refocus and get back to writing.
How much of this story do I share? How deep do I go? Do I share this moment or that moment? And then I stare again at nothing and think back to this or that moment…
What the hell happened? That is not me. How did I let those things happen to me?
I don’t exactly know how it happened. I have some ideas and I know some of the ridiculous feelings I had when I knew deep down I needed to get out but chose to stay. I know what those ridiculous thoughts were but I still don’t know why or how I let myself get there. I might not ever really know. I do know that at some point I stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped understanding my worth. And that is so crazy. How did THAT happen?
Deep breath Continue reading
The soft ocean breeze hits my body and whispers to me to relax (shhhhhh). I can hear the seagulls. They are softly telling me to keep my eyes closed and just breathe (hushhhhh). There is no place I would rather be. The sound of the… bull horn. That’s a bullhorn. That is a loud freaking bull horn. What the hell is going on? I feel myself being pulled from my beach chair into the air toward that crazy, uncomfortable sound. Why am I going up? Why am I …
Oh. It’s my alarm. It’s 4:30am. Time to make the donuts. If you don’t know what that means, it means I’m old. Continue reading
“Wow. That’s pretty brave to start something like that.”
I didn’t know this guy at all really and certainly not well enough for him to make such a judge-y statement about my new relationship. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what he meant. It took me maybe a month and then I remembered and realized what he meant. In hindsight I think it’s a good thing because it was a pretty shitty thing to say. My response would not have been how I really feel and would not have helped. I am also glad it did not cause me to over think what I was, in fact, “getting into”. I tend to overthink a lot (as evidenced by the fact that I am still thinking about this guy’s statement years later). Continue reading
I mean, most of us have some pretty crazy dating horror stories. I have a few that are pretty GIANT. Like the time I was asked out by a serial killer.
For a while I was convinced that I was one of those people who attracted “bad” people or the wrong people. Ya know what?! I was 100% correct. It’s almost comical, really. Ok. It is totally funny in hindsight. What isn’t funny is as bad as it was at times, it could have been so much worse.
When I said I thought I attracted some “bad” people, I actually mean that a couple of them were downright evil. Continue reading
I found this old photo of myself again today. It pops up every now and then. I think I was about 20 years old. I was so cool. I dressed cool. I looked cool. I said cool things. I did cool stuff.
Every time I look at old photos of myself I do that whole – I wish I still looked like that -thing, but only for about 60 seconds. I mean, let’s be real. When I looked like that, I wished I looked like Continue reading