I Was Not OK

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I wasn’t ok. I. Was. Not. OK. 

Finally realizing this was the one of the toughest things I have ever had to face. It was also the most healing. 

When you think you are so strong. When you think you have it all together. When you think you are happy. When you think these things and find out you were none of those things, it sucks. It really sucks. 

I wasn’t ok until about 5 years ago. I became more me and more happy over the last 5 years. It seems like every day I get closer and closer to me. Closer to who I really am and it feels amazing. 

I am in my 40s now. 

So what about before that? (Insert audible sigh) Continue reading

How Did That Happen?

How did I get here? Pic

I was in an abusive relationship. 

Sometimes I need to just say that out loud and let it hang in the air for a little bit. Those words are so strange coming out of my mouth. Even sitting here getting ready to type out my story I keep stopping and staring off and thinking back to what it was like to be in that space, that life. Then I try to refocus and get back to writing.  

How much of this story do I share? How deep do I go? Do I share this moment or that moment? And then I stare again at nothing and think back to this or that moment… 

What the hell happened? That is not me. How did I let those things happen to me? 

I don’t exactly know how it happened. I have some ideas and I know some of the ridiculous feelings I had when I knew deep down I needed to get out but chose to stay. I know what those ridiculous thoughts were but I still don’t know why or how I let myself get there. I might not ever really know. I do know that at some point I stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped understanding my worth. And that is so crazy. How did THAT happen? 

Deep breath Continue reading