I wasn’t ok. I. Was. Not. OK.
Finally realizing this was the one of the toughest things I have ever had to face. It was also the most healing.
When you think you are so strong. When you think you have it all together. When you think you are happy. When you think these things and find out you were none of those things, it sucks. It really sucks.
I wasn’t ok until about 5 years ago. I became more me and more happy over the last 5 years. It seems like every day I get closer and closer to me. Closer to who I really am and it feels amazing.
I am in my 40s now.
So what about before that? (Insert audible sigh) Continue reading
*Trigger Alert: This article is about rape and sexual assault. Please read and share with care.
Ten years ago (maybe 9, I’m not sure) I was out with some friends. I had way too much to drink which was unfortunately typical at that time. I went through (more than once) a period of time where a drink or happy buzz wasn’t quite enough. Self-medicating I suppose. Anyway, I ran into a guy I had dated for a short period of time. He was definitely not one of my proudest moments. I was testing the “worst possible scenario” type life. haha. Many of us have been there. Hmmmm…let me see what it is like to date someone who is the opposite of everything I stand for, is sort of embarrassing, almost sad in a way, and treats me like crap. That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will not listen to my friends and will find weird reasons to explain why it works. Luckily it only lasted a couple of months before the rest of my brain throat punched the stupid part of my brain. Boom. Reality. What the f#<K am I doing? I am better than this. I told him we were done and attempted to pick myself up and become me again.
Anyway, several weeks later or months later (I am not sure) he was at the same restaurant on this particular night (way too small of a town). He was trying to get me to stay with him and hang out or to come with us to hang out. I remember my friends telling me to get into the car and telling him no and to leave me alone. I remember sitting in the back seat of my friend’s car and him being outside of the car. I think he was in his car. I remember the look on his face. I can’t really describe it but it was kind of desperate or urgent maybe – I’m not sure. They took me home, made sure I got into my house and left.
I lived alone.
When I woke up, the guy was laying next to me and we were both naked. Continue reading