I was in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes I need to just say that out loud and let it hang in the air for a little bit. Those words are so strange coming out of my mouth. Even sitting here getting ready to type out my story I keep stopping and staring off and thinking back to what it was like to be in that space, that life. Then I try to refocus and get back to writing.
How much of this story do I share? How deep do I go? Do I share this moment or that moment? And then I stare again at nothing and think back to this or that moment…
What the hell happened? That is not me. How did I let those things happen to me?
I don’t exactly know how it happened. I have some ideas and I know some of the ridiculous feelings I had when I knew deep down I needed to get out but chose to stay. I know what those ridiculous thoughts were but I still don’t know why or how I let myself get there. I might not ever really know. I do know that at some point I stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped loving myself. I had to have stopped understanding my worth. And that is so crazy. How did THAT happen?
Deep breath Continue reading →
You know how certain things in life can feed your soul? For me those moments are usually things I do to help others. Yesterday was the first time that I felt that way about something that was really just for me. I competed in (well, “participated in” is probably more accurate) the Women’s Philadelphia Triathlon (PHLTRI). It wasn’t the most challenging race I’ve ever done and it won’t be the most challenging race I will do this year. It was, however, one of the most fun races and 100% the most soul feeding. I needed this finish. Ever since the New York City marathon last year, I have had a string of very painful and very discouraging training and racing moments. I DNF’d a race this year for the first time in my life. Twice! Every day was a new pain and a new challenge. I am used to pain. After breaking my back Continue reading →
I found this old photo of myself again today. It pops up every now and then. I think I was about 20 years old. I was so cool. I dressed cool. I looked cool. I said cool things. I did cool stuff.
Every time I look at old photos of myself I do that whole – I wish I still looked like that -thing, but only for about 60 seconds. I mean, let’s be real. When I looked like that, I wished I looked like Continue reading →
*Trigger Alert: This article is about rape and sexual assault. Please read and share with care.
Ten years ago (maybe 9, I’m not sure) I was out with some friends. I had way too much to drink which was unfortunately typical at that time. I went through (more than once) a period of time where a drink or happy buzz wasn’t quite enough. Self-medicating I suppose. Anyway, I ran into a guy I had dated for a short period of time. He was definitely not one of my proudest moments. I was testing the “worst possible scenario” type life. haha. Many of us have been there. Hmmmm…let me see what it is like to date someone who is the opposite of everything I stand for, is sort of embarrassing, almost sad in a way, and treats me like crap. That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will not listen to my friends and will find weird reasons to explain why it works. Luckily it only lasted a couple of months before the rest of my brain throat punched the stupid part of my brain. Boom. Reality. What the f#<K am I doing? I am better than this. I told him we were done and attempted to pick myself up and become me again.
Anyway, several weeks later or months later (I am not sure) he was at the same restaurant on this particular night (way too small of a town). He was trying to get me to stay with him and hang out or to come with us to hang out. I remember my friends telling me to get into the car and telling him no and to leave me alone. I remember sitting in the back seat of my friend’s car and him being outside of the car. I think he was in his car. I remember the look on his face. I can’t really describe it but it was kind of desperate or urgent maybe – I’m not sure. They took me home, made sure I got into my house and left.
I lived alone.
When I woke up, the guy was laying next to me and we were both naked. Continue reading →